Grief and loss

 

Grief, despair, bereavement and a sense of loss are some of the most difficult feelings and processes which affect us.  This alone can be excruciating but often there are secondary effects such as financial issues, housing agreements and even custody and the change of family structures.

Resilience, inner strength and the ability to continue in the face of being overwhelmed is not a given to us mere humans - it can take so much out of us and it can be challenging to reach out and ask for help and support.

Support systems when in action can be a god send and take many forms; family offering a safe place to talk and express emotions, a caring medical team, counsellors and therapists.  Self help groups can also be invaluable in assisting with the social aspect and being non judgemental.

Individual reactions

Although a sense of loss covers many life situations, every person will experience it in a unique way.  From shock to relief and from sobbing to feeling numb, there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to bereavement.  Studies state the different stages of grief which can be useful but ultimately it is an individual journey.

Grieving does not always mean a death

People can grief for a multitude of reasons including the end of a relationship, where there is a life changing illness such as dementia, a disability or rapid decline in health.

Permission to feel anger

Anger when left behind, or feeling raw from a breakup can often be a tricky subject but it is very legitimate to feel this and can even stop any resentment building when expressed. Anger is normal and healthy when feeling devastated and heartbroken, and may be particularly felt with a sense of injustice at the loss of a child.  

Disenfranchised grief

Certain situations are harder to feel, express and discuss due to societal attitudes, opinion and void of knowledge.  It must feel very isolating to those where their emotions, feelings and reactions are not considered as valid as others - for example. loss through drug use, suicide and sudden infant death syndrome may provoke misunderstandings from others.  This must be horrendous for the person seeking a grieving process if perceived as different somehow.  

Moving on?

The big question it seems but should it be put this way?  Many people may think of their loved one as still present perhaps or they may even feel a sense of guilt as if they are forgetting but every minute is a process to feel able to function again, to make sense of memories and where they fit in the present.  So finding a new meaning, a new perspective may come to light however time is not the healer, you are, within the structure of time.  You have the power to re-find yourself but it is not easy.

Grieving ones self

Making meaning of what life can throw at us is an ongoing procedure but what if you lose part of yourself?  Mental health issues, disability and life stressors can leave us desolate, distressed and can even push us over the edge.  Accepting the loss is different depending on many factors - the person and the significance of what has happened. 

Feeling like having lost parts of the self - resilience, identity, relationships, health or abilities can be devastating.  It can feel like starting again with all the frustration that can bring.  It takes extra strength and stamina to face these predicaments, we may wonder how we are getting through it - but we need to acknowledge at times how hard we are battling, how sore we may still feel and give ourselves some credit and feel deserving of self compassion and care.

Grieving is a normal reaction to loss but this does not make it less painful.  Throughout my own mental health journey I have felt like a shadow of my former self and have tried to get back to how I was.  Today realising the impossibility of this, it is more a case of adapting, renewing and trying to look forward. 

Paula Smith